Something In The Giraffe Meat
by Forsaken Elf
Summary: Legolas goes hunting and kills an albino giraffe for the fellowship to eat. The fellowship and eventually the rest of the world goes crazy. complete crackfic warning
1. Wildebeests Don't Exist

**A/N:** Why hello there everyone. This is basically the Lord of the Rings version of "Something in the Pumpkin Juice". I will surely offend many people and many people's sensibilities with this, and if you are easily offended, you should be the first to read. Why? To amuse me. So lighten up and get ready to be extremely weirded out, because this is some crazy crap.  
I dedicate this crackfic to Molly because her encouragement and enthusiasm about the idea got me writing this in the first place. May there be many more to come.

Please do enjoy.

* * *

**Something In The Giraffe Meat**

Chapter 1: Wildebeests Don't Exist

Legolas leaned against a tree, waiting impatiently for Aragorn. He and the human had decided to go hunting to provide food for the fellowship, but despite Aragorn's elven upbringing, he was slow as a cow.

They were somewhere somewhere in a random overgrown forest that only the stealthiest forest-dwellers could slink through. Only a little light could show through the knotted and clustered branches and the air was thick and dank.

Suddenly Legolas' cute, pointed ears twitched. Something nearby had shuffled suspiciously among some bushes, and though he could not see it, he knew it wasn't Aragorn. The human might be slow as boobs but he certainly knew better than to make noise whilst sneaking.

The shuffle reached him again, now closer. He took out his bow and knocked an arrow to it, his sleek, delicious, succulent and otherwise extremely satisfying muscles taut like a god.

Just then an albino giraffe leapt gracefully from the depths of the brambles, red hued orbs glinting tenderly in the dappled sunlight.

So Legolas killed it. :D

* * *

"This meat is wonderful!" Frodo exclaimed. Legolas grinned toothily, proud of his catch. They had been eating the albino giraffe all day and everyone, including the elf, felt a little strange. 

"What was this beast, Legolas?" Boromir asked giddily.

"I don't know," Legolas said, and looked at Gandalf. "Do you recognize it?"

"Nay," said Gandalf, "but it has a long neck, horn-like appendages, a giant tongue and flabbergasting ears, so it must be a duck."

"You are very wise," Boromir said, and winked.

Gandalf stared. "Did you just _wink_ at me?"

Boromir couldn't help but smirk. "Only if you wanted me to."

"SO ANYWAY," Aragorn interjected quickly.

"I enjoy flapping Legolas' jowls," said Gimli.

Everyone lol'd.

* * *

The fellowship continued on, happy as ducks, and left the random forest behind. Soon they came upon a bubbling brooke. The rather confused fellowship pondered over a way to get to the other side. 

"Perhaps we should gallop under the brooke," Pippin suggested.

Legolas shook his face. "I'm an elf, I know everything about brooks. We should sit here and pamper ourselves until a wildebeest comes to whisk us away."

Aragorn rolled his eyes, "Legolas, wildebeests don't exist. All humans know a thing or two about water, and it's that you should never be whisked away by a wildebeest on Tuesday."

"Will you two ever stop bickering?" Boromir demanded. "Why can't we build a bridge of love over the brooke? That will surely stop the wildebeests from whisking us away."

Gandalf beat everyone over the head, "You nincompoops! Don't be stupid. You're all so wrong. We must poop in the brooke until we've built a wall of poop and leap over it like a gallant wildebeest."

Merry shook his head. "I respect you, Gandalf, but I don't think that's quite right. Maybe we could just wade through the water. It doesn't look very deep."

"Shut up, Merry, that's ridiculous," said Samwise. "We should seek out the Russians and utilize their intense ability to grow sasquatch plants and ride the sasquatch over to the other side."

"Sam, you're dumb. Go eat a sandwich," said Gimli.

Then they had a baby.


	2. Tigerizard

A/N: Let's keep in mind that the author of this story has been a vegetarian for 10+ years. xD

Snarflegarb /_snar'_ful'garb/ v. to eat something so fast and fervently that one makes a 'snarfle' sound; To shovel in one's food without regard to one's manners or safety (_he snarflegarbed his sandwich_)

* * *

**Something In The Giraffe Meat**

Chapter 2: Tigerizard

After the sasquatch led them across the brooke, it happily took them to Caradhras. Once there, they sat at the bottom of the mountain and had a delightful lunch of giraffe-duck. After several minutes of relaxed silence, Frodo piped up, "Gandalf, tell us a story."

When the old man hesitated, everyone agreed earnestly.

"Very well then," he said, settling into Gandalf-story-telling-mode. "This story is about a little spatula. The spatula gathered his friends about him and they set off on an adventure."

"Gandalf, you have to say what adventure they set off on!" Frodo screeched.

"Shut up, cracker, I'm tellin' the story. So anyway, the spatula had a great egg that he had to take to Mord-- I mean... the frying pan."

"I feel like I've heard this one before," Aragorn interrupted thoughtfully.

"FINE, you tell the freaking story, stupid wallaby with a stupid haircut and stupid dumb stupid face!" yelled Gandalf, and he stood up and walked away in a huff.

"Okay then, I will." Aragorn went into Aragorn-story-telling-mode, which, admittedly, was not as cuddly nor as wizardly as Gandalf-story-telling-mode, but it would have to do.

"Once upon a time, there was a Tigerizard," he began grandly.

"What's a Tigerizard?" Merry asked.

"It's obviously a cross between a lizard and a cow," Aragorn answered, blind with fury.

"Okay, that makes sense," the hobbit mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"So ANYWAY, before I was MOST RUDELY interrupted by mister smarty-boobs over here," he wantonly glared at Boromir, "allow me to continue.

"The Tigerizard went to muskrat land and gasped, befuddled, at their strange customs. They would mate with seashells and ate chocolate using a series of delicate straws and quills. They even freely gave up their seats to muskrats who were paralyzed from the pirate down. But strangest of all, the thing that the Tigerizard just could not comprehend, was that instead of wearing potatoes on their heads, they wore them on their footsies."

"On their footsies?!" cried Samwise, tenderly feeling the potato on his head where potatoes obviously belong.

"I know," said Aragorn somberly. "So the Tigerizard had to do something about these atrocities. He gathered up his friends and prepared to storm the muskrat castle. And then the world blew up."

Legolas wiped away a tear, "Oh, Aragorn, that was so beautiful," he whispered. "That bit about the stapler that went amok was so... so bittersweet."

"Yeah," Aragorn said in a hushed voice. They looked rapturously into each other's eyes.

And then Gimli and Sam's lovechild snarflegarbed Pippin.

* * *

Saruman strode quickly away from the balcony into his tower, frustrated. Recently the fellowship of the ring had begun using code words when they talked and had started acting very differently—did they know that he watched and listened as much as he could? 

"Wormtongue!" he yelled, deep voice echoing throughout the black stone of Orthanc.

His servant quickly came to and bowed before Saruman. "Can I help you, my lord?" he asked.

"Yes. Do you know what a Tigerizard is? The fellowship uses it as one of their codes."

Wormtongue giggled. "You mean the animal that is a cross between a lizard and a horse?" He then chewed on a piece of pale orange meat and put it back in his pocket.

"What are you eating?" Saruman demanded, completely forgetting about the pesty ring and whatever. "I have been living off of celery meat for the last 9 years and you're eating something that does not look like celery!"

Wormtongue dutifully handed over the strip of meat. "It's from the wild koala, my Lord. Please, have a bite."

Saruman ate it. He then gurgled contently.

* * *

Saruman quickly fell in love with koala giraffe meat and because it made him feel so delicious on the inside, he ordered every single one of his orcs and uruk-hai to have some koala giraffe soup and gave his Captains and Lieutenants strips of the meat to have on boring days. 

In effect, Saruman's entire force went insane.

Seven Uruk-hai Captains sat in a circle, their names being Urgluwik, Raguruk, Kurdûsh, Krumkû, Globdùsh, Shardushk and Betty.

"I just don't get Saruman these days," said Urgluwik thoughtfully, pouring himself a cup of tea and passing the pot on to his left. "He was so tense before and now... I don't know. You think he has a girlfriend?"

Kurdûsh raised an eyebrow, munching on a delicate crumpet. "Saruman? A girlfriend? I doubt it, he doesn't seem the dating sort of type, you know?"

Betty shrugged. "You never know. But what I do know is that one thing that can change a man is the right woman. She's probably decorating the place now."

"Um, Betty..." Krumkû shook his head, pouring himself some tea, too. "Women can't change men. It just doesn't happen."

"WUTCHOO SAY, CRACKA?!" Betty stood up, stabbing Krumkû in the gut and spilling all of his innards (which a stray orc promptly gathered and ran off with for no reason) and then she sat back down, giggling.

"Sorry about that, ladies, I get a little over the top nowadays. I'm having some marital problems."

"Oh, no, no, don't apologize, Betty. We understand. How is Uglukinskûrundlinkùkla these days, anyway?" Globdùsh asked politely.

"He's alright. You know how it is, he's rather stressed out lately, being a lieutenant and all, he's j-just never home and all--" she broke off and let out a soft sob, pulling a dainty little handkerchief and dabbing at her eyes.

There was a collective "Awwwww" around the group and then a group hug. When another random stray orc tried to hug her, too, she turned and chopped off his head.

"Dinner!" Shardushk cried, and picked up the head to eat, except that Raguruk snarflegarbed it right out of his hands. It turned into a fight to the death in which both of them died and were eaten whole by Betty.

:D


	3. Suede Leggings

**A/N: **Special thanks to my friends at the lunch table who read this aloud with fake British accents and inflate my ego on a regular basis :P I would also like to mention that I think "cheese-friary" would be considered rather like "tom foolery", except that you're turning into a cheese fry and stuff.

* * *

Something in the Giraffe Meat

Chapter 3: Suede Leggings

Galadriel ran up the stairs, hair billowing in a billowy way behind her. Something terrible had happened, and she had just seen it in her pool mirror thing.

She quickly went to the house thing in the trees and found Celeborn eating lunch. "Is there something wrong, my wife?" he asked gently, a little surprised at how out of breath she was.

Galadriel nodded violently, practically shouting, "The fellowship, Saruman and soon Sauron are all eating wild Albino Giraffe meat! The world will go crazy if we don't stop it now, Celeborn!"

"Albino Giraffe meat? Darling, I'm afraid I've never heard of that before..." he trailed off and sipped some soup absentmindedly.

"IS THAT ALBINO GIRAFFE SOUP?!" Galadriel screamed, and punched him in the hair. He fell, mortally wounded.

"It... it was... tomato soup..." he choked out, and then died.

"Oh, well crap," said Galadriel sadly. Then she pulled some giraffe soup out of her pocket and ate it violently.

Thus began the fall of the regal elven kind.

* * *

Aragorn sat up, abruptly waking from a dream for the 80th time that night. "Arwen?" he choked out. "Is Arwen truly a cheese fry, or are my delusions thus that I havest these epiphanies, thou thus must cheese?!" 

"Shut up, Aragorn, you've been randomly accusing Arwen of cheese-friary for hours now and no one can get any bloody sleep!" Merry shouted, throwing a pirate at his head and knocking him unconscious.

"Thanks, Merry," Gandalf mumbled, also annoyed at Aragorn's frequent and random awaked-ness. The wizard rolled over onto his other side, trying to get comfortable, only to see that Boromir had somehow appeared behind him in less than a second and was trying to get comfy.

"Boromir, go away or I'll make you sad or something," Gandalf hissed. After story-telling time, they'd gone all the way up Caradhras, decided that the tops of mountains weren't very fun, climbed back down and made their way to the mines of Moria, all in one day and without a bloody nap. Between Aragorn being a butthead and Boromir's oddities, the old wizard would never get any good rest.

"But I lurve you wit mah heartz," Boromir said sadly. Gandalf punched him in the face. Boromir went away.

But there he plotted all night long. Revenge was a plate best served cold with some parsley and a nice side of mashed potatoes, and Boromir would be sure to serve it just like that.

After all, hell hath no fury like a woman scorn'd. With potatoes.

* * *

"Sauron, I have important news," said Saruman into the Palantir as he tried on his new dress. It was the prettiest dress he ever did have. 

The Eye made weird hissing noises that Saruman paid no attention to and the white bearded wizard said, "Yeah so whatever. Anyway, my important news. You have to try a giraffe, kay? Lol."

Sauron gagged, if eyes could do so, tired of Saruman's new stupidity. He used to be all cool and stuff and talk about blood and wars and killing and car engines and glue and other masculine things, but now all he did was eat giraffes (or would that be giraves?) and practice putting on make up and pretty dresses. It was so dumb that Sauron swore never to eat a giraffe. Ever.

Suddenly Saruman roundhouse kicked the Palantir. "RA-RA-RA-BOOM-DEE-AY!" he screeched, picking up a giraffe and throwing it at the eyeball. Having no eyelids, Sauron couldn't brace himself for the impact, and the giraffe hit him right in the eye and was slurped up through his pupil.

"Lol," said Sauron moments later.


	4. Poop On Your Soul

**A/N:** There is far too much plot in this story and it's making me feel like a pine tree. Allow me to remedy this.

This chapter is dedicated to my little sister, who invented the phrase "I want to poop on your soul." I'm very proud.

* * *

**Something In the Giraffe Meat**

Chapter 4 – Poop On Your Soul

Haldir slowly crept up on his prey. He had been hunting in Lothlorien all day to provide for his immense family, and this particular mammal was the hardest catch he'd ever had to make.

Silent as a mating elephant he knocked an arrow to his bow and sat there for several hours. His prey did not move, sensing a predator near and being still as a flapjack at the billiards.

Ten days passed before Haldir finally loosed the arrow. It planted itself in a tree with a satisfying _plonkidonkuschingching_. "Ha! I've got you now, tree!" Haldir cried, and turned into a helicopter.

* * *

Frodo and the newly reincarnated Pippin sat down in the hot tub with an African Snow Leopard. The steam rose like onion rings on an abacus, slow and curlingly, and Pippin looked at Frodo.

"So, Pip, how's the poop coming?" Frodo asked politely.

"Well, it's a little like celery... fattening and cow-like," he answered.

"I see."

There was a pause until they realized that they were in a hot tub with an African Snow Leopard.

Then Haldiricopter landed in the hot tub and ate all the cheese fries!

* * *

An mountain.

Mountain.

* * *

Aragorn gathered around the Gandalf. "Gandalf! Tell us a story!"

"K," said Gandalf. He went into Gandalf-story-telling-mode and everyone, sensing the cuddly, ran before him and settled down. Even Betty, who was magically sent here by magic.

"One day there was a little Vienna sausage," Gandalf began. "He felt left out and sad because he wanted to be full of laughter. However, laughter sound waves avoided him like the plague. He was sad."

Merry raised an eyebrow. "Gandalf, we're in Middle-earth. Are you sure we're supposed to know about sound waves?"

"SHUT UP, MERRY! You're always such a boob and I'm tired of your irruptive and sudden invasions of my speech! Just STOP already!" Gandalf yelled violently with a strong feeling of brume.

As he yelled, Boromir snuck up behind him and leapt upon him. Boromir doesn't wear pants ever, so he pooped on Gandalf. Everyone gasped. But the poop disappeared.

"REVENGE! REVENGE AT LAST!" Boromir exploded.

"Boromir you stoopid cracker, you didn't even poop on me," Gandalf said.

"Yes I did," he said. Insert dramatic pause. "…. I pooped on your SOUL."

Then wombats attacked!


	5. Except Dinosaurs Are Extinct

**A/N: **Sorry for the long wait... it took a while for inspiration to hit, and then a while longer for me to react, then I wrote half of it and then it took a long time for more inspiration and then my mom got scared and said you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in bel air.

* * *

**Something In The Pumpkin Juice**

Chapter 5: Except Dinosaurs are Extinct 

"Alright, WHO HAS MY BODY BUTTER?" demanded Gandalf one day during their journey through Moria, his voice loud and terrible and deep and echo-y.

The Fellowship looked at each other, eyebrows raised. "You had... body butter?" said Merry.

"Yes, and now it's missing!" cried Gandalf, stomping his foot. "Was it you, Legolas?" he asked, giving the elf the evil eye.

"_Me?_Goodness gracious, Gandalf, I brought along three tubs of it, why in Bob's name would I steal your puny container?" The elf looked quite scandalized at the idea.

Gandalf stroked his beard. "I see your point. You stole the body butter, then!" he yelled, pointing at Frodo.

"Who, me?" the hobbit yelped.

"YES, YOU!" screamed Gandalf.

"COULDN'T BE," roared the hobbit.

"THEN WHOOOOO?!" Gandalf bellowed. His voice rang out in the caves of Moria, sea urchins lept from the depths of the stone in surprise, sloths wiggled their tentacles in shock and hippoes cartwheeled in outrage.

"It was me, me I say!" Aragorn cried, standing. "I'm sorry Gandalf, I didn't mean to anger you so, I was going to put it right back! I longed for smooth skin such as your's, for I wish to be beautiful and lovely and airplanes are tickling me in the sky!"

Gandalf sighed softly. "I know, my boy, I know the temptation must have overwhelmed you. But you must understand, a man's body butter is completely off limits. We must duel to the death."

Merry sat there, mouth hanging open. "Wait, are you serious, Gandalf?"

Aragorn and Gandalf whipped out their swords and got into battle position.

"No, guys, really, this is insane, you don't have to kill each other over freakin' body butter of all things--"

"Shut up, Merry! You don't know crap about manliness!" Aragorn said kindly, and then Gandalf attacked viciously.

The battle went on for hours, and for every hit given there was a hit taken. It was intense and dramatic and the fellowship looked on, eager to see who would win.

Suddenly Gandalf knocked Aragorn to the stony ground. "The end is nigh, Aragorn!" he cried, and raised his sword. Then Betty came over and killed Gandalf.

That is how Gandalf actually died in Moria. The Balrog was quite indignant upon finding out that Tolkien had blamed him for it, as he quite liked Gandalf.

So _there.__  
_

* * *

They left Moria without any incident whatsoever and sat on the rocks outside, forming a loose circle. 

"So, since Gandalf was our guide and all and Betty had to go and kill him, where shall we go now?" asked Frodo.

"Well, I say we go--" Aragorn started, but was cut off when Gimli jumped in the circle, fists raised in triumph.

"I'VE GOT THE PRETTY DRESS!" he cried, and was in fact wearing a sparkly pink dress.

"Gimliiiii!" Legolas cried, torn with despair. "STOOOOP! You'll stretch it oouuuuttt!"

"Will not! You're just jealous that I look prettier than you in it!" Gimli shot back, wiggling his butt.

Just then, a pterodactyl flew down, ripped the dress off of Gimli and flew away, laughing. "Now I'm the prettiest of them all!" it cried, and disappeared into the distance.

"So, anyway, like I was saying..." said Aragorn, "I think we should go to Gondor. So I can become a king and pwn everything."

"HAHAHAHA NO," answered Boromir respectfully.

"Let's go to Mirkwood," offered Legolas. "We can kill the king, I can be the new king and pwn everything more."

"Er, Legolas," said Merry slowly, "isn't the king your father?"

"Your _mom_," countered Legolas, and Merry sighed and walked away, mumbling something about "everyone's a flaming idiot".

"Can we go to Russia?" asked Sam.

"Go to Russia with yourself!" Pippin yelled angrily.

"I WANT TO GO TO MIRKWOOD!" cried Legolas.

"I WANT TO GO TO GONDOR!" screamed Aragorn.

"I WANT A SASQUATCH!" Sam yelled.

"DIIINNNOOOSSSAAAAUURRSSSS!" Gimli whispered.

They set off for Lothlorien with high spirits.


	6. Two Halves of One Poop

**Chapter SiX:** Two Halves of One Poop

"Legolas, do you think the raccoon in my head will hate me if I tell him I am in love with you?" Frodo asked as they neared Lothlorien.

"Does your turtle mate with a platypus?" Legolas inquired sorrowfully.

"Let's just say this," Frodo said. "If we were two halves of the same poop, we would be one poop."

"That's so sweet, Frodo, but I could never be with you. Your hair is too long."

"LOLWAT," Frodo whimpered.

Then they entered Lothlorien, for reals this time.

Haldir jumped from the treez, angry as he calmly sipped chamomile tea from a jug made of the butts of newborn giraffes.

"ARAGORN," he yelled at all of them, "YOU ARE AS SLOW AS TO HALVES OF MY SEVENTH BOOB."

"But Aragorn's quite ahead of us," Merry protested. "How can he be slow?"

"I could hear you in the dark if I shot you twice!" answered Haldir quickly, spilling his tea down his front.

Merry raised an eyebrow. "But... isn't your line 'You breathe so loud, I could-'"

"Merry, you are such a fourth wheel! Go away, already!" said Saruman, hands on his hips.

"Look everyone! Boromir is back from the dead!" Gimli shouted gleefully, pointing at Saruman. A stegosaurus squealed from within his beard.

* * *

After a few minutes of walking through the forest led by Haldir, the fellowship plus Saruman were stopped and made to put on blindfolds. "Because you can only shoot your hearing in the dark," explained Haldir, and they all nodded sagely, moved by his wise choice of words.

After walking for several excruciating seconds, Haldir untied them and suddenly Gandalf had replaced Saruman. "Yay!" everyone said, and continued to the Lady's Throne. Not the Lord and Lady's throne, because Galadriel wanted it to be just the Lady's and you know who wore the britches in that relationship. Also, Celeborn was dead, so it didn't even matter.

A shiny light wiggled at them from the throne and Galadriel sneaked down the stairs secretly. Gimli, with his eagle eyes, saw her, and congealed with joy at her intense beauty.

"FELLOWSHIP!" she bellowed, making everyone jump and scream and in some cases wet their pants. "WHERE IS GANDLAF FOR I MUCH WISH TO SPOKE WITH HIM!"

"Isn't Celeborn supposed to say that?! Where is he, anyway?" Merry cried over the loud sound of Galadriel's voice.

"HE WAS EATING TOMATO SOUP, SO I KILLED HIS HAIR. HE DIED SHORTLY THEREAFTER DUE TO COMPLICATIONS OF BIRTH!" she shouted back, nearly knocking over the fellowship from her loudness.

"Hold on guys, I can fix this!" Aragorn cried, approaching the Queen slowly and cautiously, and then reached out and turned her nose.

"Why thank you, Aragorn, I've been waiting for someone to come along and turn down my volume for like, a month or two or something," she said, her voice now musical and lovely.

"Anything for you, Galadriel... MY LOVE!" Aragorn cried triumphantly.

Just at that moment, Celeborn leapt from the skies and landed next to Aragorn. "Aragorn! I always knew you were after my wife! But don't worry... I... I have decided to give you Galadriel. I understand your love for her transcends the stars twinkling in the sky never gonna give you up never gonna let you down this is my song a serenade to you hit me baby one more time." He smiled pleasantly as Aragorn hugged Galadriel.

"WHAT?!" exclaimed Merry.

"WOT?!" yelled Frodo.

"WAT?!" blurted Sam.

"SAT?!" roared Gimli.

"MAT?!"shouted Legolas.

"GIRAFFE!" declared Gandalf, who had come back to life magically but was promptly kicked out of the fellowship again because 'giraffe' didn't rhyme with 'what'.

"Wait!" yelled Legolas suddenly, punching Merry. "Galadriel, did you say 'complications of birth'?"

"Well, yes," she answered after about an hour of thought.

"GUYS!" Legolas did a manly arm-pump at his own awesome idea. "I have an awesome idea! I've decided that I want to be pregnant!"

The fellowship stared at him silently for several minutes, and then everyone burst into cheers. "That's a wonderful idea!" said Gimli. "Can I be the father?"

Legolas squealed, "Oh, that would be delightful!"

Frodo then turned into a raptor and roared, "YOU WILL NEVER ACCEPT MY LOVE, WILL YOU?!" and ran away crying tears of the deepest angst.

"No!" answered Legolas, and the dwarf and the elf hugged happily, planning their parenthood.

* * *


End file.
